“Smile!”

“Oh, it can’t be that bad.”

“Cheer up!’

“Just calm down!”

“Snap out of it!”

Sound familiar to any of you?

I’d be willing to bet that most of us with mental illnesses have been on the receiving end of comments like these many times. At first, you may patiently do your best to explain that simple suggestions like these don’t help us at all. There is no magic switch to “turn off” mental illness. We can’t “just calm down” or “cheer up”. Life doesn’t work that way for us, unfortunately.

Most times, others are just doing their best to help. They genuinely want to see us happy and smiling, but let me tell all of you with healthy minds: This is not the way to do it. Instead, this infuriates many of us. At this point in my life, I have a very short fuse when it comes to this concept, and I’m working to remedy this.

For example, today was rough. REALLY rough. When my partner got home, I couldn’t manage to hold a conversation, never mind smile. I could tell it was upsetting for him to see, but I had no easy way to “snap out of it”. With loving and innocent intent, he said, “smile for me”. My immediate and flippant response? “I could punch you in the face right now”. I know, terrible.

Out of all people, he does his best to understand, but it’ll never be clear for him. This is not for lack of trying, however. He does and always will do his best to help, but there’s just no way for him to genuinely understand what I’m going through. Sometimes, he simply doesn’t know what to say next, and he grasps at anything just to ensure that he can help me. Sometimes it comes out in cliches like it did today. Regardless, he never deserves responses like the one I gave him.

Then it occurred to me: Here is a man trying his hardest to make me happy. He definitely knows more about mental illnesses than the typical healthy mind does, and he still struggles. I can’t (and shouldn’t) expect more from him, so how can I expect anything from people uneducated and unaffected in this regard? Their intentions are generally positive, and they are using the only tools they have in their arsenals of ignorance. It’s not their fault; they’re lucky this isn’t intuitive!

So, for those of us dealing with mental horrors, please remember that, most of the time, our friends and families are trying their hardest to help. They really do want to see us smile. They just don’t realize that these comments mean nothing in terms of healing ourselves. But they’re trying. Talk with them. Offer to educate them, if they’re willing. Tell them you appreciate their sentiments (and definitely don’t threaten to punch them in the face). Tell them that, although you would love life to be as simple as “cheering up”, it’s not. Tell them you understand that their suggestions are intended to help rather than hinder, and that you’re working your butt off to make it through the day. Tell them you mean no offense by not being able to take their advice.

Tell them, “Thanks, but no thanks”.

To those of you trying to help us out, please be patient. We’re trying, too. It can be difficult to explain exactly why your support in this regard doesn’t help. We wish you understood, but we realize it’s not entirely possible unless you live this life with us. And we wouldn’t wish that on you for the world. I will say this: If you are wondering how you can help, ask us rather than spew cliches. We all respond differently when we are offered support, so it’s always best to check. It may seem like a chore, but we’re no different than everyone else in this regard. Mental illnesses aside, we all respond differently to the same stimuli, and everyone deserves respect during interpersonal interactions.

So to all of you telling me to “smile”, I say, “Thanks, but no thanks”.

But never again will I threaten to punch you in the face. I know you’re trying. I’m trying, too.